Dancing With Myself

October 14, 11:47 AM (Ottawa)
October 15, 12:47 AM (Shimodate)

It's an interesting time to be me right now. There's so much going on in my mind that it's hard to know where to begin.

I hate being here. How's that for a start? I don't mean I hate living with Lisa, that's been pretty interesting so far. I just don't want to be in Canada anymore, and no...I don't want to go to China either. It's hard to put into words, so bear with me on this.

Jen used to call me a goofball, and a flirt. Can anyone else I know say that about me? Probably not. It's been a very long time since I could be that person here. I'm quiet here. I'm reserved. I don't cause anyone trouble, and really I don't do anything to stand out.

This time last year I was singing the sound track to Moulin Rouge while riding my bike and waving to pedestrians. I remember a little lady grinning at me as I went by. Crazy gaijin.

I remember fantasizing when I was in high school about going somewhere that nobody knew me. Not to see new things, but because I desperately wanted to open myself up and I was always afraid to do it around people that knew me. I dreamt of going to a night club without any of my friends, a club in another city where there was no chance of being recognized, and dance without feeling self-conscious.

Japan was my dance. I haven't felt that free since I was a child playing with my sister. I certainly don't feel that way now.

There were a lot of wonderful things about my time in Japan. More than I can possibly ever express, and I know everyone is sick of hearing about how much I miss it.

I feel like everything I say and do here has permanent consequences, so I can't do what I want, or be what I am. I'm only 27, but every decision I make seems to require long-term consideration. What will I do when I'm 40? That's 13 years away! 13 years ago I was a child what will I be in 13 more years? I don't care.

My life is now, and I'm not living it because every time I try I think of another reason why I can't. I can't go to University, because it's too expensive and I doubt I'd be accepted. I can't go to Japan because I don't qualify for a VISA. What can I do? Stay here?

I have a good job, and despite how much I complain I honestly enjoy it. The pay is decent, and it's reliable. If I put my mind to it I could be promoted back to my old position relatively soon. Do I want that though? What good would that job do me? I left it before because I wanted something more, and that hasn't changed.

There has to be more than this. I was not meant to spend my life sitting in front of a computer. I was not meant to be faceless to the masses. I was meant to be a goofball flirt.

So here's the plan, it's something I can do, though I may need your help along the way. I'm going to try to return to school in January. I will go to Algonquin College and I will take the Early Childhood Education program. It's 4 semesters. If I work through summers I can do it in less than 2 years. If my employer won't schedule around full-time schooling, then I'll be quitting my job.

As frightening as it is to me to have to try supporting myself without a full-time job the concept of being in this position for the rest of my life is infinitely more terrifying.

I'll get student loans, with co-signers if necessary. I'll get a part-time job too.

I'm returning to Japan, and I'm doing it as soon as I can. I hope you'll all visit me.

I'm going to dance again.