More Translations of Me

1:43 PM February 28, 2006 (Ottawa)

I hope that everyone will take this all in the spirit to which it is offered. I am not accusing anyone of anything, I am not pointing fingers at anyone, no part of this is about being right and wrong. The fact is that somebody has been unintentionally hurt. That tells me that I wasn't expressing myself properly, so I'm just trying to set the record straight and hopefully stop hurting somebody I care about a great deal. Hopefully it'll stop me from accidently upsetting any of my other friends this way in the future as well.

For the record I don't mind at all when people offer advice, only when they try to force it. Debating the advice given is not an indication that I don't value it, or the opinion of person giving it. Rather it is the exact opposite.

I'm going to use events at my job as an example to try to clarify what I mean, though I realize the situation is not the same.

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Customers at work often send us suggestions for how they would like the service changed. We are required to respond to all of these. Sometimes the suggestions they send are unrealistic, or ill-conceived. In those cases I respond with a form letter stating that we will take their suggestion under consideration. What actually happens is their e-mail to us is deleted, and/or forwarded to other co-workers so we can all get a laugh.

On the occasions when we receive valid suggestions, we tend to reply with more detail. If the request is reasonable but there is a reason why we're hesitant or unable to apply it then we explain that in our response. Afterall asking us to increase the capacity of the mail server is a lot more reasonable then asking us to set up a wireless connection for the moon, clearly the second doesn't require a serious response.

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I have a similar attitude towards personal advice. Sometimes advice is given and the only response is "Yeah, I'll think about it". It does implies acceptance of the advice, but to me it seems very dismissive. It doesn't demonstrate any actual thought regarding the advice given. That is how I respond to advice from people I have little respect for, or advice that I consider to be without value.

When I value advice I actually try to discuss it. I try to explain the difficulties I see with following the advice if there are any, if there aren't then I usually try to explain why I hadn't done that in the first place. Because advice deserves an actual response, not a dismissive form letter.

These difficulties I point out don't mean I won't follow the advice, I rarely decide if I'm going to follow the advice at the time it's given. That comes later, after I've had time to give it serious consideration.

I usually have problems sleeping after one of these discussions. I'll end up laying in bed running through the conversation both ways multiple times. Trying to think of any other pros and cons that were not brought up in the discussion itself.

That being said, there are times when advice makes me angry. In those cases it's not because the advice is invalid, it's usually because I'm feeling pressured. I'm willing to accept advice, and I respect the opinions of those close to me, but that doesn't mean I want to be told what to do. When advice starts sounding like orders, that's when I stop listening, and stop arguing. That's when you get responses like "Thanks, I'll think about it." and the advice gets trashed.

I'll listen, discuss, and debate any advice or opinion my friends and family wish to give me. I'm willing to go through the tossing and turning at night to consider it from every angle that I can. I appreciate the advice, and I swear I give it due consideration. That doesn't mean I have to follow your advice though, or agree with your opinion in the end. I don't like being treated like a child who can't make his own life decisions. I'm an independent minded person. My respect for you gives you a chance express your opinion, but I expect you to respect my right to make my own decisions as well.

Please keep in mind no part of this was intended as an attack against any person, or group of people. The only subject of this entry is me. It is only to help people to understand certain aspects of my behavior which I may not have explained clearly previously. This is who I am, and I can't change, sorry.